You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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