my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
