mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
