Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
