you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Gay?
German.
Pity.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
