I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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