awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
