Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
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She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
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I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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