I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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