remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
