Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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