Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
