I love black thongs
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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