matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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