There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize