She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize