Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
