We named our party play list daddy issues
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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