I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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