My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
