Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Randomize
