Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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