Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
