my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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