oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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