you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
