I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
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Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
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Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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