Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
