thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
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