Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
