I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You're like the curious george of whores
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
