break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
