When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
