i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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