There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Randomize
