I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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