I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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