but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
