his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
