i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
