is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
