I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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