Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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