fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
