watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
