Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
