i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Randomize
