Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
