Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
