I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
