Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
