i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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