Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
So here I am, sexting at work.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
