when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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